KANK - Never Say Bye-Bye

I was planning to write a long review of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna studded with long and funny-sounding words. I wanted to, really. Only the movie wasted more than 3 hours of my time and all I can say now, in appreciation of it, is that it sucks big time. For the benefit of posterity, however, I will attempt a short sketch of it, in the manner of the high school essay of old that so often is seen in the film review columns of the newspapers, and try to purge myself of all that the movie might have imbued me with.

Karan Johar is a marvellous director and I am sure he makes no bones about it either. I even distinctly remember reading that he has a personal philosophy and original opinions on love and marriage. An intellectual no doubt and it shows in his work. I also seem to have heard that he has a penchant for the dramatic and an exceptional skill wielding the megaphone. An artist of the highest order and it shows in this, his work. In fact so many things are evident on the most perfunctory viewing of the movie that it makes me wonder why he decided to show his abilities over a much longer timeframe. A conundrum but nothing compared to what is on offer from Dev and Maya and Ria(or is it Rhea or Riya) and Rishi and the rest of 'em all.

The movie starts off originally enough with SRK landing a $5million contract in the MLS and Rani trying her best not to spout out the title-line in an intricate dialogue sequence filled with the most sentimental nothings culminating in the title song. Dev(SRK) and Maya(Rani) part ways as friends, one loses his leg and the other her shot at holy Mohabbat and of course fate has to intervene but that is only 4 years and a short flashforward later. By then, the characters are well-etched - Rani likes vacuuming, AB Sr. likes some form of light bondage, AB Jr. does not shave often, Priety powders herself pale, Kiron Kher is very conscious of her big butt and SRK is a terrible football coach. Add fate now gently, taking care not to spill too much of it on AB Sr's garish attire, and there is confusion leading to reconcilement leading to friendship between SRK and Rani. By the way I did mention their names, right? It is so easy to get confused as there is too much name-calling and too many people around all the time.

A wise man once said a man and a woman can never be friends and Sooraj Barjatya stole it for Maine Pyar Kiya. No wonder Rani and SRK decide to rent a hotel room. As for me, I have no idea they have anything in common except a liking for the colour blue, which seems a random afterthought for a dialogue and song sequence - I never saw them wear blue in the movie till then - and a confused attitude towards their marriage - the other partners seem to want the respective marriages to survive but these two seem to be exclusively worried about saving it from themselves for the sake of the other two who do not understand that the marriages are failing but these two are concerned they might be causing it. If you are confused by now, time for the intermission but oh! that came before the hotel room was rented and after a few deliciously inane dialogues were spouted.

Anyway, the point KJ is trying to put across is something beyond such trivial concerns so we wont stick to the merely chronological either. So let us hurry ahead and see the marriages fail and then some. There are scenes added purely for completeness' sake - the idea seems to have been to make as stupid and unpalatable a movie possible and the product approaches its objectives closely. Witness the scene where Priety walks by Rani without seeing her only for Rani to get back by passing her without seeing her and then Rani turns back and neither see each other and all this of course while crossing a road in downtown New York. The subtle exchanges between the 2 AB's and the misunderstandings would do Iago proud, as roses are scattered and what-not. Suffice it to say it is all as well-done as the poor director's goose that gets cooked all this long while but don't tell him that!

And the ending is of course sublime and bold - Priety slaps SRK, AB dirties his house, the older guy dies, Rani leaves for Philly, 3 years pass, things change, old hurts mend, sacrifices are made and accepted as a matter of course, more dialogues that seem to have nothing really to do with the movie(like "Zindagi mein Mohabbat aur Maut dono bin bulaye mehmaan hote hain" - "Both Love and Death are uninvited guests in life") and then the grand finale where SRK hugs a Sardar on a park bench and goes to prison for 15 days for coming out too soon off of an Amtrak train when the Laws of Physics and Common Sense seem to remonstrate. Then, just so those who prefer the healthy, bracing dosage of the Hindi tele-serial to the frivolously rational whatever-else do not feel it all ended too soon, there is some more uninteresting stuff but to deal with it here is well nigh impossible.

And so the movie ends and those of us who were fortunate enough to learn the massage trick and the naughty tips to keep our spouses happy; those lucky few who did not miss the 'Sexy Sam' in the background; those who really, really understood the deep insights into love and marriage and parenthood and life and quantum physics; indeed all those who saw the movie for what it is, are left with that magnificent feeling that such an experience comes but once in a lifetime; that if one were left with nothing else but just this one would learn what manly toil is; that if KJ did nothing else in his life after this, still one would be grateful to him. All that and the rest.

But of course we need to end with THE line - so Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna!